See I knew better than to overhype a game because I already wasn’t going to be thrilled with it. Eli I’m talking to you.
This was a request and I have but putting it off so epicly hard because honestly even I don’t enjoy getting all the bitched at ever, of all time.
Stop stealing jokes cockbite!
So yes, Infinite…. Meh, honestly just Meh. Bioshock for me is one of those series that looks great on paper but never does anything super unique. If I wanted the same formula over and over again in the style of Bioshock’s narrative I’d read Ann Rynd, but I don’t because I like variety.
For me the best Bioshock is the first one, and even that got tedious and boring after a while. All in all Infinite was beautiful, and not being in Rapture was a nice turn for the series, but it didn’t do anything new (for gaming, it did new stuff for the series). I mean, what did the game have? Shooting (been done), a flying city (been done), a mysterious girl (been done), a thing chasing you (been done way way way way way way way way better), a twist ending (M. Night Shamillions would approve, because its the kind of thing he does all the time)
So lets talk about the guns then. No I lied, lets not, I can’t think of a single unique gun I care enough about to go blah blah blah dick joke over. So instead, lets talk about the powers, called vigors this time. The previous games spent time to actually shoehorn the powers and their worth into the story, becoming a pivotal point as to why everyone was a f*cking psychopath (Including you, since I’m one of the few gamers that believes that giving you the choice to be good or evil does not automatically mean you take all the evil choices because there’s no consequences). Instead here they just… are. They’re like the f*cking Kardashians, no one really knows why they’re so popular and they latch on to the first man to find them. The only cool thing I can say about them is that they look like they cause all kinds of hurt when you gain a new one (that and undertow is the most OP power ever when 90% of the game takes place near railings and edges).
“F*ck you Undertoooooooooooooo *gasps for air* oooooooooooooooooooow! Hey dude, while we’re plumetting to our deaths do you wanna play monopoly?”
“Sure we got time”
So how about the characters? One again I say MMMMMMMMEEEEEEEHHHHHHH, you got the noir protagonist, Booker DeWitt, who has to go save a girl from a psycho. Then there’s said psycho, Zachariah Comstock, who’s basically what Democrats think a Republican is like (oh my God they let these people vote?! Well yea stupid ass, they let you vote too, that’s more horrifying to me). And then there’s Elizabeth, who can open portals in time and space FOR NO F*CKING REASON. Serious the game spent so much time force feeding you the story so it could get to the “amazing ending” (which sucked and I’ll explain why) that it forgot to explain itself along the way and you end up just asking why a lot. Or I did anyways, but I’m an independent and don’t take silence as a good answer.
Also, the story around Songbird, who is a giant clockwork falcon person thing, is never explained, there’s no detail there. A few drawings show a man inside and it bleeds, but who is this man, why does he protect Elizabeth, why does music soothe the savage beast? WHY DIDN’T I GET A DECENT F*CKING BOSSFIGHT ONCE IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED GAME?! Seriously, first Comstock goes down like a thirsty whore, then Songbird is plotted to death after the worst tower defense segment ever!
You want to do the whole giant thing chasing you around right? Do it the way The Condemned 2 did it with the f*cking rabid bear! I had to get up halfway through and take a leak so I wouldn’t piss myself, that’s damn good chasing right there (Also I am terrified of bears, Brave sucked).
The Climax was such bullshit I could actually smell it! I stood in one spot the entire climax, if you could call it that, and shot people. Oh God! shooting people! The exact same shit I’ve been doing the entire game! Story is not an excuse to sacrifice game play even when there really is an amazing story! When you do this it makes me feel like I’m being pissed on!
Oh reeeeaaaalllllyyyy? Cajun my man, why don’t you come over and find out what that’s like?
The only good story telling that is actually complete revolves around these two (asshats):
They f*ck, they totally do and you know it.
Let’s get spoily for a minute, through the recordings left behind (yea, shocker there I know) you learn (if you pay attention) that they aren’t actually siblings, they’re the same person, born in alternate universes. She is so in love with herself that she steals away her male counterpart and verbally (and its alluded to, physically) f*cks the shit out of him, but he gives it right back. Oh, and they’re responsible for everything that happens, and I do mean everything.
So lets move on to something everyone loves that really just made me roll my eyes, the ending! *SPOILER ALERT STUPID* The Ending reaches out and flips you off, you are the villain, Booker DeWitt and Comstock are the same person in alternate universes separated by one decision, a baptism. Now, I’m a Christian and a Patriot (which you can’t really tell from my attitude because I hate everyone, including the government) and this little, Baptism makes you a dick thing really annoyed me.
Beyond that though, Booker DeWitt has already rejected the baptism in order to become DeWitt! So they drown him, so what?! HE IS NOT COMSTOCK! HE ALREADY REJECTED THE BAPTISM! There is no chance that drowning this DeWitt would erase Comstock, and beyond that, there are an infinite number of universes in the multiverse theory, every single decision DeWitt made along the way to the ending made a new universe. There are so many DeWitts you would have to drown, there is no such thing as DeWitt prime, the others are just as real as he.
The ending was not amazing, it was an excuse to throw a shitty plot into the garbage disposal and say “You can’t question it, none of it happened anywhere.” That’s bullshit and I feel like I deserve an apology for being told to pay money for what basically amounts to a storyboard script that no one took the time to pick over with a red marker.
JUST. LIKE. THIS.
If anyone wants my copy all I want is a blowjob and a promise to never ever talk to me about the Bioshock series again. It’s bad, just bad.
Completely Unprofessional 