Bioshock: Infinite

See I knew better than to overhype a game because I already wasn’t going to be thrilled with it. Eli I’m talking to you.

This was a request and I have but putting it off so epicly hard because honestly even I don’t enjoy getting all the bitched at ever, of all time.

Stop stealing jokes cockbite!

So yes, Infinite…. Meh, honestly just Meh. Bioshock for me is one of those series that looks great on paper but never does anything super unique. If I wanted the same formula over and over again in the style of Bioshock’s narrative I’d read Ann Rynd, but I don’t because I like variety.

For me the best Bioshock is the first one, and even that got tedious and boring after a while. All in all Infinite was beautiful, and not being in Rapture was a nice turn for the series, but it didn’t do anything new (for gaming, it did new stuff for the series). I mean, what did the game have? Shooting (been done), a flying city (been done), a mysterious girl (been done), a thing chasing you (been done way way way way way way way way better), a twist ending (M. Night Shamillions would approve, because its the kind of thing he does all the time)

So lets talk about the guns then. No I lied, lets not, I can’t think of a single unique gun I care enough about to go blah blah blah dick joke over. So instead, lets talk about the powers, called vigors this time. The previous games spent time to actually shoehorn the powers and their worth into the story, becoming a pivotal point as to why everyone was a f*cking psychopath (Including you, since I’m one of the few gamers that believes that giving you the choice to be good or evil does not automatically mean you take all the evil choices because there’s no consequences). Instead here they just… are. They’re like the f*cking Kardashians, no one really knows why they’re so popular and they latch on to the first man to find them. The only cool thing I can say about them is that they look like they cause all kinds of hurt when you gain a new one (that and undertow is the most OP power ever when 90% of the game takes place near railings and edges).

“F*ck you Undertoooooooooooooo *gasps for air* oooooooooooooooooooow! Hey dude, while we’re plumetting to our deaths do you wanna play monopoly?”
“Sure we got time”

So how about the characters? One again I say MMMMMMMMEEEEEEEHHHHHHH, you got the noir protagonist, Booker DeWitt, who has to go save a girl from a psycho. Then there’s said psycho, Zachariah Comstock, who’s basically what Democrats think a Republican is like (oh my God they let these people vote?! Well yea stupid ass, they let you vote too, that’s more horrifying to me). And then there’s Elizabeth, who can open portals in time and space FOR NO F*CKING REASON. Serious the game spent so much time force feeding you the story so it could get to the “amazing ending” (which sucked and I’ll explain why) that it forgot to explain itself along the way and you end up just asking why a lot. Or I did anyways, but I’m an independent and don’t take silence as a good answer.

Also, the story around Songbird, who is a giant clockwork falcon person thing, is never explained, there’s no detail there. A few drawings show a man inside and it bleeds, but who is this man, why does he protect Elizabeth, why does music soothe the savage beast? WHY DIDN’T I GET A DECENT F*CKING BOSSFIGHT ONCE IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED GAME?! Seriously, first Comstock goes down like a thirsty whore, then Songbird is plotted to death after the worst tower defense segment ever!

You want to do the whole giant thing chasing you around right? Do it the way The Condemned 2 did it with the f*cking rabid bear! I had to get up halfway through and take a leak so I wouldn’t piss myself, that’s damn good chasing right there (Also I am terrified of bears, Brave sucked).

The Climax was such bullshit I could actually smell it! I stood in one spot the entire climax, if you could call it that, and shot people. Oh God! shooting people! The exact same shit I’ve been doing the entire game! Story is not an excuse to sacrifice game play even when there really is an amazing story! When you do this it makes me feel like I’m being pissed on!

Oh reeeeaaaalllllyyyy? Cajun my man, why don’t you come over and find out what that’s like?

The only good story telling that is actually complete revolves around these two (asshats):

They f*ck, they totally do and you know it.

Let’s get spoily for a minute, through the recordings left behind (yea, shocker there I know) you learn (if you pay attention) that they aren’t actually siblings, they’re the same person, born in alternate universes. She is so in love with herself that she steals away her male counterpart and verbally (and its alluded to, physically) f*cks the shit out of him, but he gives it right back. Oh, and they’re responsible for everything that happens, and I do mean everything.

So lets move on to something everyone loves that really just made me roll my eyes, the ending! *SPOILER ALERT STUPID* The Ending reaches out and flips you off, you are the villain, Booker DeWitt and Comstock are the same person in alternate universes separated by one decision, a baptism. Now, I’m a Christian and a Patriot (which you can’t really tell from my attitude because I hate everyone, including the government) and this little, Baptism makes you a dick thing really annoyed me.

Beyond that though, Booker DeWitt has already rejected the baptism in order to become DeWitt! So they drown him, so what?! HE IS NOT COMSTOCK! HE ALREADY REJECTED THE BAPTISM! There is no chance that drowning this DeWitt would erase Comstock, and beyond that, there are an infinite number of universes in the multiverse theory, every single decision DeWitt made along the way to the ending made a new universe. There are so many DeWitts you would have to drown, there is no such thing as DeWitt prime, the others are just as real as he.

The ending was not amazing, it was an excuse to throw a shitty plot into the garbage disposal and say “You can’t question it, none of it happened anywhere.” That’s bullshit and I feel like I deserve an apology for being told to pay money for what basically amounts to a storyboard script that no one took the time to pick over with a red marker.

JUST. LIKE. THIS.

If anyone wants my copy all I want is a blowjob and a promise to never ever talk to me about the Bioshock series again. It’s bad, just bad.

Planetside 2

Its made by Sony, that’s all I really need to say.

Before I even get started, I want you to close you eyes and think of all the dumb shit Sony has done over the years. All the security issues, copyright infringements, and money grabbing. They’re the ones who produced this game. Do I even need to say more really?

Sony is like the retarded lesser of the three evils. You want to look at them and go “Awwwww! you’re an evil corporation, yes you are, yes you are!” Then buy them coloring books and a helmet so they don’t hurt themselves.

The game isn’t as bad as others I’ve played for the most part, and the only premium content you have to buy and cant earn at all is cosmetic in nature (three cheers for getting it right eventually!). That’s about where the good news ends.

The game is based around House Atreides trying to gain control of Arrakis… er no… sorry wrong review. The game is based around corporations trying to gain control of Auraxis… Wait a minute…

So you have the corporations, the Empire, the Rebels, and the Consortium…. Son of a bitch I did it again. I mean, you get your choice of the Terran Republic, the New Conglomerate, and the Vanu Sovereignty. The only thing that is different about each side is one vehicle on the ground (each side has a unique heavy tank) and one vehicle in the air (the fighter/bomber). That’s it, the guns are fairly generic with different names and the classes are all the same for each side.

The game map is “Dynamic”. It doesn’t actually change physically, but all three sides are jammed up in a constant tug of war to control the resources and strategic locations on the map. The whole thing plays out like a real war, if real war was waged in small king of the hill matches.

Oh wait, wrong game… I think?

This is one of 3, they don’t look any different really and all end up the same way but f*ck it, they can claim variety sort of.

My main bitch about the game isn’t the utter unoriginality (see also, blatant plagiarism) or the lack of faction specific uniqueness (see also, cookie cutter). Its the fact that there is no ranking balance. The first meathead keyboard warrior to kill me was level 54, the second was 39, and the third was 62. I was level 1, 1, and 3 for these deaths. Boy they’re the f*cking big men on campus aren’t they? I have yet to kill someone within 3 levels of me which makes me either a bully or them pathetic. (I rarely talk in FPS games, so this is other players commenting for me.)

The games weapons and upgrades are unlocked via “certificates,” which you either earn from setting up a mobile spawn point (you get 1 per player) killing an enemy (you get 1 per player) or doing a class specific action (Ooooonnnneeeeee). The weapons you unlock tend to be worth 250 – 1000. Not only that, but when unlocked they’re bare bones, so if you want a scope, or more ammo, its more certificates. So you either grind the grind to grindington, or you pay pay pay, which I find gay gay gay. I don’t have 60 hours to devote to that crap (that’s a lie, I totally do, but I don’t want to devote that time).

Now on to classes, because I put that shit off long enough possibly. The game has the usual line-up, the Infiltrator (sniper/scout), the Light Assault (the soldier), the Combat Medic (come on, if I have to explain that one then you need coloring books and a helmet too), the Engineer (seriously, Lisa Frank still makes coloring books for waterheads), the Heavy Assault (the hint is Heavy), and the Max, which is your powered armor jackass.

There’s nothing super exciting about any of the classes either. I mean, sure the Infiltrator turns invisible (no surprise), the light assault gets a jetpack (its a futuristic game, that’s not really a surprise either) and the Heavy Assault gets an overshield (oh my god no way! *sarcasm*). You know what the Max gets? A charge that 90% of players only use to get across the god damn excessive map anyways since the Max can’t ride in any but one vehicle.

Overall, the game has 1 or 2 cool moments (gunning out of a 3 man gunship and getting 20 kills is high on my list) but really its mediocre on a boring level and plagiaristic on a flat out insulting level. It’d be like me writing Casablanca and hoping no one noticed its the same story because I changed the actors and character names (I don’t like Humpy Bogart anyways).

I’m bored now, will someone please make any of the video games I have conceptualized in my head? I don’t hate players like these companies do.

Isn’t this an offensive gesture in a few countries? He’s basically saying “fucku you!” You just can’t tell because he was dubbed by Toho so his mouth keeps moving after the noise has stopped.

*EDIT* I didn’t really touch on the community this time, but except for a few nice guys and gals, they’re mostly griefer cunts.

*SECOND EDIT* You can get the Max in another vehicle, the Dropship-esque Galaxy, but there’s no real abandon ship when that big slow target gets pegged by everything that hates you, so its not worth it, which is why I said 1 vehicle. The other just isn’t practical for getting around safely.

Also, only 1 in 5 Galaxies you come across can actually be gotten into since people never seem to want to let troops into their TROOP TRANSPORT.

Mixing It Up A Little

I recently decided to branch out from MMOs a little bit. I’m actually going to be reviewing any and all digital media I feel like. Movies, games, tv shows, none are safe from me now. As such, I’ve changed the blog title to be a bit more… well honest.

In the interest of not paying WordPress a single red cent, the url is going to stay the same, so don’t worry about me disappearing and being unfindable. here I am.

Anyways, fear not, I’ll still be sarcastic and mean. It’d be harder for me to not be that way honestly.

Primal Carnage

Before I get into this, I’d like to apologize for being late. I was going to review another game, but it’s so f*cking crash happy that I couldn’t stand playing for more than the 2 minutes it took to lose connection. Instead, you get a review of another game.

Nothing says rage-quitting, whining, and abuse quite like these two words.

Sooo Primal Carnage, yes. I can already hear you asking, “But Cajun, you handsome, sexy beast you, another dinosaur game?” To which I respond, no, another half of a dinosaur game that wasn’t thought through quite well enough and was released way to early. So, come with me my fri-… acq-… the people reading this. Lets be mean.

Primal Carnage took Team Fortress 2, got it nice and liquored up, then had Jurassic Park go at it like the football team at the unpopular girl on prom night. It could have been good, it really really really could have, but the developers (Lukewarm Media) were so dick hungry that they released it way too early and screwed the pooch, the parrot, the goldfish, and the cat.

Why Lukewarm? WHHHYYYYY?
(okay, no more rape jokes, I sw-… pr-… F*ck it I’ll try… Wait, does that count?)

Lukewarm released their game, made you pay for it, and then had the audacity to say “well we’re working on it.” I mean, they released on Steam, had a full list of achievements, buuuuut you couldn’t actually unlock any of them. If you game as much as I do, you love achievements, they make you feel good for doing nothing important and sometimes they’re hilarious, so to have them, but not being able to earn them, is like dating a nun. You could probably stare at it all day long, but you sure as shit ain’t getting any.

So wait, if you have to buy the game, why is it in a blog about free-to-play games? Well because, it is, in fact, free to PLAY. You pay to own it and keep Lukewarm in business. Why we want that God only knows because they’re too f*cking stupid to make an entire game.

When it first released, all Primal Carnage had was death match, that’s it, just death match. No objectives, no ranks, no anything beyond Dinos, Humans, and dying. Oh, and the game was ridiculously unbalanced if, like 99% of players, you didn’t have a premade group to play with. Since then you know what they’ve done? Added 1 mode, that’s it. It’s not even a full f*cking game STILL.

Not only that, the game is so unbalanced that if you don’t end up on the Dino team I am actually not going to blame you for quitting a match. Accuracy is non-existant with anything beyond the sniper rifle, you’re fragile as shit, and most of the Dinosaurs have a one hit kill whereas the human’s most powerful weapon, the grenade launcher, has a splash range of roughly 2 1/2 feet (0.762 meters). That’s f*cking retarded on an international scale!  I mean, if one of your achievements is for you to blow up four Dinos with a single grenade, then it better be able to reach them even if they aren’t all f*cking in one long Dino daisy chain.

I can’t believe Google actually had results for “Dinosaur Daisy Chain”

Not only that, but the units are so racist I cant believe one of them isn’t wearing a f*cking kilt while another communes with the totem animal spirits and a third enjoys watermelon, grape soda, and fried chicken. Is there variety? Meh. One unit has a net gun (not as cool as it sound), another has a chain saw and flame thrower (not as cool as it sounds), and one has a tranq gun (Do I seriously have to say it a third time?). The Dinos are way more varied, but you only get to play the dinos every other match so you get to enjoy hopelessness, frustration, and utter dickery for a whole match before you get to be the puss-spewing rectal wart (Not even gonna google that one, just think of the average Call of Duty player).

From left to right, Token, Sidekick, Drunk, Eyecandy, Dickhead

Gee, there’s no way this could possibly be unbalanced!

Everyone’s cocky until they have to be human, then the game is suddenly bullshit. It was bullshit the whole time, the only reason I still play is because I have this urge to hurt myself, and I hold out hope that me calling the developer at 3 in the morning to complain will have an effect (You’re next if I don’t get a new Starfox game Miyamoto).

The community does have its upside though, there is a really fun server out there where the sides swap halfway through a match, and all the players are friendly and funny. You start shit there and they all will give you hell, friend and foe alike. That’s what I like to see, a community coming together to curb-stomp a cockbite (I refuse to Google that one).

This is your average Call of Duty player. Also, Curb-Stomp A Cockbite is my new band name.

Okay, back to gameplay. If you’re going to have a unit that automatically one hit kills people just by walking up to them, then I demand the grenades do realistic damage so that the player who gets said Über-unit doesnt get fifteen kills per death. This encourages unit camping (When they cry baby jackoffs will stay in the unit select screen with the Über-unit selected until its available for them to use) which 2 out of 10 players in Primal Carnage do. I’m aware it doesn’t seem like alot, but think about it in these kind of terms, the average weapon camper for Xbox Live games is 1 in 200 (I HAVE DONE THE MATH MYSELF).

I’ll give the game this, it will be fun when it’s finished, but until then its kind of like jamming a fork into an electrical socket after taping it to your genitals, shockingly stupid. Lukewarm needs to quit trying to make a new game and first finish the one they half-assed the half-ass all the way to half-assedton while riding in the Hyundai Half-ass getting forty Half-asses to the gallon. I mean, game companies always claim to be about the players, but they don’t really care about us or they wouldn’t do this kind of shit constantly. You want to make a good game? Hire actual players to look over your shoulder every step of the way. If you do something stupid or greedy they ought to get to hit you with an Electric Fly Swatter (now available in a variety of motivational colors and even more motivational amps!).

Could whoever keeps mailing these to the game companies post this one on the Primal Carnage facebook page? I’d love players to see this more than I care about the companies.

Red Light Center

In case your wondering, yes, this is an item you get in game. It’s for anal use only.

Here we go! This is a great game, finally! The graphics are stunning, the community is friendly and helpful, and the developers always keep it fresh and unique.

Red Light Center’s core story is very simple, you start off as an aspiring porn star and get fifteen points to put into attributes. Males and females get different attributes, with men getting the usual. Physique dictates how buff you are, length determines the length of your member while girth determines the width. Putting points into volume determines the amount of semen your character expels at the end of a mission, and finally there’s endurance, which determines how long your porn star can go for.

Women, on the other hand, get Rack, which increases the size of your bust, Tightness, which affects a male character’s endurance negatively, Gag reflex, which determines which size member you can take and is affected by a male’s girth and length. Sensitivity increases the chance of your female achieving orgasm, which automatically makes you the winner in any “combat.” Finally there’s Flexibility, which determines which positions you can handle.

Combat is a rock, paper, scissors style affair for men, with rock, paper, and scissors being replaced with oral, vaginal, and anal. You can get special items to use in combat too, in varying rarities. The best items by far are the super rare lubes and sensitivity creams. The entire game is for sure PvP, with you entering a studio (your arena) and beginning a scene for your director (the quest giver) you have to conquer the scene by lasting a certain amount of time.

Women have a much easier time of it, you enter combat and your only goal is to make the male star blow before the scene is finished. Its really empowering to the women, your quest giver is a women’s rights activist out to ruin the porn industry for objectifying women.

The bane of all free to play games is still the premium content, but its not needed to enjoy the game. Most of the content is hairstyles (carpet and drapes), or piercings, different foreskin styles, and even some skins for the furry community. There are a ton of furry skins if you’ve every wanted to see an anthro husky get banged (and aren’t on furaffinity for some strange reason). My favorite premium item by far is the Japanophile pack, transforming you into a gelatinous tentacle beast or an armored schoolgirl.

Yea, just like this… I need a cold shower now.

The community is great, there are beaches and clubs to hang out and practice your “combat” skills. They’re always willing to give you pointers in exchange for any number of favors. I remember one guy gave me a whole bunch of purple quality dildos and crap in exchange for a real life facial. It was a pretty weird but I agreed, I figured what the hell.

I dunno if its worth all that stuff, but it is a good face shot.

All of that said…
Probably the best game I have played lately.
Really intense combat, friendly people, and great support for bugs.
I loved it and unlike the others, will continue to play.
Looking forward to seeing some of my friends in game as well after this review.

Find me online under the usual name, CTGrafitti
Oh, righ, I’m on the Bukkake server
Or the CMNF server
Love to see you all around.
So long for now!

Pirate101

You know its bad when the coolest thing in the entire game is a logo they didn’t even use.

Hyurgh… I can’t believe I even bothered knowing that King’s Isle is a “you get the tip for free but you have to pay for the shaft” kind of company. Still, flying pirate ships made me think “Skies of Arcadia! WOO!” Then I get to the game….

Are you freaking kidding me? It’s sooooo boring. My very first bitch has to be that you can’t change altitude at all, so it might has well have been a ship on water, and if they had just made the water opaque (you cant see through it) they could have saved a ton of space. Second, I prefer my airships like the Delphinus.

I want my Engineer friend to make me a real one.

Having wooden ships is just kind of garbage to me. I mean, look at that thing! It’s freaking addicting! It’s a boner with cannons and anger attached to it! They could toss stuff like that into premium content and then make a billion dollars, instead, they make themselves your whores.

The first chapter and zone are free, then after that each chapter and zone cost you their premium currency called crowns (I see what you did there). You can subscribe for a monthly fee instead, but then if you don’t complete a zone before time is up you kind of wasted money didn’t you? That in itself makes me doubt the validity of their Free-to-Play claims.

Not going to spend a lot of time there because, well, dead horse beatings, just going to add that the zones increase in price as you go and at some points you have to pay for a zone you’re just passing through (Sheer Kixeyeness at its finest).

Combat in game is broken into Ship vs Ship and crew vs mob. Ship vs Ship is real time and a lot of fun… in the first area. After that the difficulty jumps like an olympic athlete going for the gold. That and the enemies are so close together that you often end up getting stomped by two or three enemies at the same time.

The other type of combat, player v mob, is turn based and set up on a grid. You and your NPC crew can move about the grid and attack. Again, the enemies are close together and can join battle if they move into the grid. The huge annoyance, beyond getting outnumbered like that, is that other players can join your battle without permission and bring their own set of enemies with them. If they abandon you, the enemies they brought leave too and your after battle reward is cut.

The good news is your crew, you get NPCs that join you in combat with their own skills and uses. My personal favorite is stone cold fox (literally she’s a fox, 90% of your companions are anthros) Bonnie Anne, who is a nod to famed sharpshooter Annie Oakley, she even fires over her shoulder using a mirror. How cool is that. The Companions are varied and unique to class for the most part (there are some that everyone gets) and you can level up your favorites. You can set how likely they are to join you in battle too, but until recently could not completely bench any of them, which was a bummer.

A lot of people will look at the game and go, oh that’s a game for kids, but no it isn’t. Its for parents who work from home or don’t want to spend time with their kids. Its sick, its twisted, its absolute f*cking genius. What kind of sick, twisted man decided “I want to make all my money off the neglect of kids by parent.”? For all we know they’re brain washing the freaking kids, the good news is that the 7 people I talked to were (if taken at their word) over the age of 21. So much for that evil plan.

All in all the game is junk. The voice acting is pathetic, kinda like a hentai, but with worse acting. The combat is either boring or insanely frustrating. The ships are pretty boring and get cookie cutter after a while. Drops are few and far between and usually not worth it (all of my gear was still merchant gained at end game). The jokes are written by a bunch of guys who think they’re way funnier than they actually are or tell the same sad jokes every other game, movie, or book in their genre has told (kind of like Jim Carrey or 90% of black comedians).

The locales are really the only worthwhile thing, there’s a city on the back of a whale and a town made out of wrecked ships… no I take it back, those are it, the rest are meh at best.

What they should have done is made Wizards101 (the same song and dance as this game) for kids, then done a game for their parents. Kept the flying ships and the crews, but made it a lot more bleakpunk (darker, grittier steampunk). There are some dark moments, but they’re mediocre at best, just like all the premium content they release for the game.

If any game designers are out there, I’ve been waxing out my own airship game for the past three years that really has a good system going for it, but like I said, I’m concept work at best.

World of Tanks

All they’re really missing is the F

Before I begin, let me lay out my thoughts on free to play and inevitable premium content. There are two styles of free to play, one is where the only premium content is stuff thats cosmetic in nature or unique but not game altering. Different costume pieces are a good example of this. The second style is where after a certain point if you dont piss away money for content you can’t contend (See also Koxeye and Battle Pirates). World of Tanks went a unique direction and did both.

For the most part, you can play World of Tanks by Wargaming.net without spending a single red cent. But the problem is that when you come across the premium content, you need to be either a weight class or a tier above them to contend. I’ve landed a solid rear hit with artillery on a premium tank and done 0% damage. That’s king bullshit right there. Crap like that doesn’t make me want the premium tank, it makes me write angry emails and forum posts that get me in trouble (9 times).

Beyond that though, the shells that you should be using to fight tanks are premium as well. A lot of people who play this happen to know that if you run a german stable, like I do, then you’re still in light tanks whereas every other asshole and his crybaby friends are running medium and heavy tanks. You get 0 kills 99% of the time. I get that there are a lot of tanks and you have to keep them in technologically superior order, but come on, some real f*cking balance would be nice, or at least let me wield HEAT (High Explosive Anti-Tank) shells without having to pay for every single God forsaken shot.

While I’m on the subject of balance, let me tell you a funny story. I and a few other players suggested a restructuring of the tech trees to allow some lateral transitioning (at the time the Tiers were top down I-X generally being more powerful as you went down), say a tank and its predecessor could be in the same tier so that you don’t end up being the knife at the gun fight. This was not a ridiculous request, it was a balance issue. The very next update they released, they didn’t rearrange the tech trees at all, but they did TURN THEM ON THEIR F*CKING SIDES AND CLAIMED LATERAL TRANSITIONS (privately, to the community they spouted some BS about making it easier to use).

Let me get back to another Premium feature though. As you fight with each tank, you gain experience to unlock new parts, better engines, bigger guns, etc. After you’ve unlocked it all for a tank, that tank becomes “Elite” and any more experience is dumped in a general experience pool. If you have excess experience on that Elite tank though, you have no access to it at all. Its a nice little “Go F*ck Yourself” for wasting spending time on their game. You have to pay to transition that experience into the general exp pool. You don’t just pay once for the ability, you pay every single mother loving time you get an Elite tank or you lose that experience. It sits there on the tank and taunts you while Wargaming.net eyes your wallet like a vulture watching a blind kid play in traffic.

But Mr. Cajun-Thunderstrike sir, How much does their Premium stuff cost?” I hear you ask. Its not quite as bad as Kixeye, who will forever be the 0 on my scale, but its not great considering how much some tanks cost to unlock. They use, like every other game ever of all time, gold coins as their premium currency (I feel I need to do a short form rant about originality that just changes the company’s name). Their worst value is 1250 gold coins for $6.95, this ends up being roughly 2 coins per cent, with a little left over (the exact figure is 1 coin equals $0.00556). that’s not horrible really, and you can turn 25 experience into general exp for 1 coin. The problem is, get to most of the tanks beyond tier III or IV and the unlocks are measured in K (as in thousands, not potassium smart ass). so for instance, a certain German SPG (Self-Propelled Gun, or Artillery), the Hummel, costs 42,500 exp to unlock at tier V. Keep in mind this is not a premium tank. so lets do the math (42,500/25 = 1700 * 0.00556) and it comes out to $9.45 for a mid-tier tank with toilet paper for armor. If I pay almost $10 for a tank, it better rip the ass off anything I shoot at, but a Hummel generally takes 2 – 3 shots to take out anything bigger than a light tank, which moves too fast to hit in the first place.

Alright, enough about that garbage, lets get to the actual gameplay, shall we? The game treats tanks exactly like you would expect, they aren’t f*cking racecars (*cough cough* Planetside’s Lighting *cough cough*). You get one life, no respawns, which seems like a pain in the ass when you’re doing great and some numbnuts with an aim bot pegs you (yes, there are aimbots out there for this game, but they’re out there for all games so don’t freak out). That’s obnoxious in and of itself, but then you run german tanks like I do and you’re dropped in your little tank around a bunch of Tank Destroyers, SPGs and Heavy Tanks that YOU CAN NOT HURT. Well oh shit, now what? You’re supposed to scout, the only problem? The other tanks are higher tier and have better sight range than you. you’re the Cherry of World of Tanks, free f*cking points.

But of course, you have a team to back you up right? NO. The community on World of Tanks is garbage unless you’re a forum addict. I’ve had 17 matches IN A ROW where no one even said GL HF (Good Luck, Have Fun). Tactics? Either you get ignored or some retard thinks he knows better than you and drags half your battalion away to die. Anyone with tactical experience could tell you DON’T RUSH THE ENTRENCHED ENEMY, but noooooo, it’ll work this time, I swear!

It’s an alright game if you like grinding, rage-quitting, griefing, and silence, but if you’re a social gamer like myself, move along, there’s better ones out there.

Patience is a Virtue

Had a busy week last week so I didn’t get quite as into the game I’m reviewing as I had planned. I prefer to get to at least the late-to-end-game content so that I can perform a more in depth and knowledgeable review for you guys.

As a result you will get two reviews this week. One on Wednesday and the usual on Sunday. Wednesday will be a review of World of Tanks and Sunday will be a review of Pirate101. Spoiler alert, I have mean things to say about both.

Battle Pirates

Their art designer is the only one who doesn’t jack off all over his workspace

For the most part, I feel Facebook games aren’t even worth the hour it takes to write a review. They’re garbage, a nice little distraction for those of you who cant take an XBox to work. That being said, there is one game I am going to review out of spite.

Battle Pirates by Kixeye is nothing but an excuse for a company full of retarded monkeys with their head so far up their ass they’ve created a paradoxical loop. Its a PvP game, but the only way to contend, at all, is to lie, abuse, cheat, and steal someone’s credit card.

The game would be great, if Kixeye had any sort of quality control besides “Can their money fit in my wallet or do I need to make it bigger?” The most common screen you will see in the entire game is the S.O.S. screen (yes, the game crashes so f*cking often that they MADE A UNIQUE CRASH SCREEN). Also, they have no sort of GM set up, if a player gets butthurt at you and claims your cheating, they don’t even check, they ban the ever loving shit out of you immediately. If you contest the ban, they start you back at level 1, and considering that the build times for building anything in game is measured in hours and days beyond level 3, well enjoy that.

Their main money makers are build and repair times, everything in game needs to be repaired at one point or another. They are constantly increasing the repair times, mid-level ships can take between 1-3 hours per ship to repair and up to a day to build completely. Now you can skip this, for about 2 coins (their premium currency) per hour. That doesn’t seem like that much, but for 3 hours per ship and a fleet of five, that’s 30 coins (3 dollars). Now, some ships take a week+ to build, want to do the math (a week costs you 336 coins, that’s $33.60) on that?

Now we’re coming to the really bullshit stuff. Skill plays no part in their special events, called raids. You can have top of the line gear, but the constant S.O.S.ing and the bullshit they throw on their computer fleets mean that the only way to get the top prize or two is to coin your balls off or devote literal days to hitting targets so far beneath you that you’re barely earning points.

So you’re probably asking, does the game have any good points? Yes, it does. PvE is fun, and the community in each sector is generally great. The ships and weapons you can earn or unlock are very imaginative and neat, and the combinations you can throw on a ship to make it deadlier are very cool.

If this game was run by a different (competent) company, it would be absolutely amazing and probably would reach a player base that would make it worthwhile for the game to leave facebook and become a real game.

The black spot on the whole proceeding is KIXEYE. If you don’t believe me, head over to their website and click the suggestion box (it dumps you to a screen that looks like hell because f*ck you all apparently). They’re a bunch of fat kids and nerds who got so bent out of shape that now they have to make a game their way and thrust their digital balls in everyone’s face. They’re the 4chan of facebook games, a congregtion of 14 year-olds and crybaby jack offs who think the internet gives them the leeway to pretend to be cool and funny while they grease-off (when a sweaty greasy internet tough guy does anything to spite someone he gets half a chubby on his mini mini mini-me, so he rubs it with his greasy finger) in their mom’s basement and wait for her big fat ass to bring them their next 18 hot pockets.

They’re just f*ck-faces and I spit on them all.

Dino Storm

Big brother is watching you…

Come on, look at that title! You can tell right there some five year old came up with this game and his dad stole it, right? It doesn’t get any better from there, but I’ll get to that. Dino Storm is a recent addition to the Browser gaming circuit, though you can download a launcher, please don’t, it has more bugs than an entymologist’s work space. They don’t even bother to hide behind the BETA tag like most games though, they give you the finger right out of the (what I would consider pre-Alpha at best) gate.

First though, Dino Storm does has Cowboys, Dinosaurs, and nifty looking guns, buuuut that’s about it. You get three faces per gender and start off on a “Coelophysis” which actually sounds waaay sweeter than it actually is.

That’s as good as it gets, my DS has about the same graphics for the three or four dinosaur games I have on there. You get a total of 3 areas to explore, 3 guns to use, and 7 Dinos to unlock and ride. The loot system is completely, and I mean utterly and totally, composed of vendor trash. You get implants and mods for your weapons, but they’re the same exact implants and mods every other person in the game gets, meaning your variety is about as limited as a Jersey Shore cast member’s vocabulary.

Let’s take it piece by piece shall we? First, the dinos. They’re the same 7 Dinos every game with Dinosaurs would use. Your little run-about, the Coelophysis, Your early game DPS, the Carnotaurus, THERE IS NO EARLY GAME TANK, then your mid-late game run-about, the Pachycephalosaurus, your mid game jack-of-all-trades, the Parasaurolophus, your mid-game tank, the Centrosaurus, then two late games, the tank and the fuck-you-and-your-friends, the Brachiosaurus and T-Rex respectively. The Dinos come with all of 3 stats, and while they can be upgraded, and their appearance changes (see also, spines, size, not much else) two of the same Dinos are going to upgrade exactly the same, you don’t get to pick and choose. You also don’t have to fret jumping through hoops to  get any of these dinos, the last one you get, the T-Rex, boils down to you GETTING A JOB. Not exactly a raid level drop honestly.

Weapons on the other hand literally scream “I’m giving you the finger and counting my cash!” There are three, that’s it, just three. A Pistol, a Pistol, and a Sniper Rifle. They’re the three same guns you get, I get, the mouthy kid from where-ever the hell he’s from gets. THERE IS NO UNIQUENESS.

The first pistol is the Hammer. As you upgrade it, it turns into this stupid looking tube you fire rockets out of with one hand. That sounds cool sure, except for the part where each gun gets only two skills, and the rocket has a minute and a half cooldown. So what’s that leave you with? A weapon that you can fire really cool once, but only by surprise, since you have to be far enough away to use it. In actual combat range you can’t fire the rocket because, you know, cowboys on dinosaurs need that tiny little bit of realism.

Next weapon you get is the Burning Colt (The name Colt is trademarked by the way). Its a pistol with a flame-thrower. That sounds awesome, but once again, two skills, minute and a half recharge. the good news is this weapon has some CC and DoT (Crowd Control and Damage over Time) the bad news is that neither one is useful in a game where only 1 in 200 enemies is aggressive and you have to click to target and attack anyways, so you’ll never end up with a group of enemies on you. It’s another great gimmick, but that’s it, a gimmick.

Finally, we have the scopeless, psuedo long-ranged, slow to fire, Peacemaker. The Sniper Rifle of the game is really more of a single fire combat rifle than anything. It doesn’t zoom, “long-range” just means the enemies take four seconds to attack back instead of two, and the DPS is so abysmal that you might as well cuss at them. It’d be faster and more hurtful. Oh, and you fire it one-handed, so if you didn’t catch my sarcasm about realism earlier, here it is in stereo. YES, BECAUSE A GAME ABOUT COWBOYS RIDING DINOSAURS NEEDS THAT LITTLE DROP OF REALISM.

Speaking of drops, all the drops you get are vendor trash, literally all of them. There’s no armor, there’s no common, uncommon, etc. There’s no healing items that pop out of a dinos ass. It’s boring, but you need that trash since none of the quests give you in-game cash. That’s right, the entire economy in the game is run by one man who buys that crap. All the missions, none of which are unique by the way, (they do a loop so you can pick them up again and again and again) give you the garbage stuff you need to upgrade your Dino, upgrade your guns, upgrade your upgrades.

So lets talk about the upgrades then. Over the course of the game, your dino gets bigger, it gets pointier, supposedly its stats beside health get higher (though I have yet to see it). As you upgrade your ride and weapons, you unlock slots to place implants (for your dino) and mods (for your gun). Here comes that same song and dance though, the implants (there’re 7) and mods (there’re 6) are the exact same ones that every other drop in the bucket gets. They don’t even have any special effects, they’re flat stat bonuses. I implanted my Coelo, and then asked about the set up. 17 PEOPLE HAD THE SAME SET UP! I’m a unique butterfly just like everyone else, its like being an emo at a poetry slam.

So, how about we move on to the “everyone else” part of the game, guilds, RP (Roleplaying), and PvP (Player versus Player). I’ll admit, the game has huge potential for RP, but its all wasted because there aren’t private channels besides tells and there aren’t private zones where you can’t be attacked. Guilds are garbage, you can join a guild, but what’s the point, all that happens is you get dragged into a fight with another guild you’re vegan (you have no beef) with just because one of their guys, or even one of your guys MISCLICKED! Yes, clicking another player leads to PvP, except there is no accepting the challenge. If another player wants to fight, even if he’s 20 levels higher than you, then screw you. There isn’t a way to avoid PvP either, eventually you’re just going to meet captain cockbite.

That’s about all the irritation I have in my system at the moment. OH WAIT, THERE’S MORE! They have the daily rewards like the stupid facebook bubble games. You know how I feel about the stuff you have to use the “premium” coins for when you can earn the coins just by logging in every day? It’s like, “here, pay money for this crap since its so freaking expensive, or keep logging on so we can at least say we have a huge player base.” That kind of reward is like a blowjob, in the prison-rapey, “here’s your reward now swallow it all” sense of the word reward.

They took a great idea and ruined it for an actual experienced company who wanted to make a great game, since I have no doubt a similar game would be met with lawsuits, slander, and mean looks. So once again, browser games shout “Screw you, gamers!” at the top of their lungs, then expect you to bend over and give them a condom made of your money to screw you with.